When everything started, when my cutting started, it was all for the attention of my parents. I never felt like I had enough of it - or any of it at all. And so I felt the need to cut, because if they saw it they would give me attention. For my life I’ve craved their attention, anybody’s attention. So I would lie and cheat because I knew doing bad stuff got me attention more than good stuff. And I would rather have negative attention than none at all.
Things got better for awhile. After I came out of the hospital, my parents started attending to me more, realizing I was there and paying attention to what I had to say for once. But now, as everything is crashing on me again, I wonder “What is it this time?” Im cutting and Im popping pills and Im trying to purge, more than I’ve ever done before. But yet, I don’t want to tell anybody. But at the same time, I don’t feel the same need to die as I did before.
What is it this time?
Do you ever take pain killers to try and ease the emotional pain?
My scars are who I was, not who I am.
I wish I had a fuck buddy …
The things I would do right now to kill myself are beyond comprehension.
So guess who’s feeling depressed again?
I tried making myself throw up, and every time I would stick my fingers farther down my throat but nothing would happen. Maybe I’ll just stop eating again because apparently I can’t fucking throw up.
Did I mention how much I want to cut? Ive even had passing thoughts of suicide lately.
Fuck. Tomorrow is 5 weeks clean but I just want to give up. I’ve never gone this long … but fuck …
Tomorrow it’ll be one month free of cutting.
I’ve never gone a whole month.
I’m so excited!
I’m pretty sure if my therapist knew I saw a play about a woman who kills her husband and in the end, starts cutting herself, my therapist would shit her pants at how “triggering” is was. But it’s not the idea that she starts cutting that would trigger me, it’s the lack of the relationship between the mother and daughter …
When I’m not looking for a fuck buddy, they’re everywhere. When I AM looking for one, I get none .. wtf?
That awkward moment when you watch porn in school
