When everything started, when my cutting started, it was all for the attention of my parents. I never felt like I had enough of it - or any of it at all. And so I felt the need to cut, because if they saw it they would give me attention. For my life I’ve craved their attention, anybody’s attention. So I would lie and cheat because I knew doing bad stuff got me attention more than good stuff. And I would rather have negative attention than none at all.

Things got better for awhile. After I came out of the hospital, my parents started attending to me more, realizing I was there and paying attention to what I had to say for once. But now, as everything is crashing on me again, I wonder “What is it this time?” Im cutting and Im popping pills and Im trying to purge, more than I’ve ever done before. But yet, I don’t want to tell anybody. But at the same time, I don’t feel the same need to die as I did before.

What is it this time?

So guess who’s feeling depressed again?

I tried making myself throw up, and every time I would stick my fingers farther down my throat but nothing would happen. Maybe I’ll just stop eating again because apparently I can’t fucking throw up.

Did I mention how much I want to cut? Ive even had passing thoughts of suicide lately.

Fuck. Tomorrow is 5 weeks clean but I just want to give up. I’ve never gone this long … but fuck …

Tomorrow it’ll be one month free of cutting.

I’ve never gone a whole month.

I’m so excited!

I forgot how cold it is without long sleeves.

I’ve started wearing short sleeves cause I stopped cutting my arms and started cutting my thighs cause of summer. I still need makeup & bracelets, but hey, at least I’m wearing short sleeves and not boiling to death.

Commence freak out time.

I have choir fest tomorrow and I CAN NOT miss it. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I also have to wear my uniform … which is a t-shirt.

I’ve stopped cutting my arms/wrists/hands because summer is getting close but my right arm still hasn’t fully healed. The scars on my left arm can be easily concealed with makeup but my right arm, nada, they just wont disappear.

HELP ME. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS?

Cut my hand.

Just for now. To make it through the next couple hours.

I want to throw up.

I want to cut.

I want to take 20 Tylenol.

I just want to die.

Two weeks without cutting down the drain.

Everyone is mad at mother nature today because it snowed.

Me? I couldn’t love her more. Long sleeve shirts and coat to hide my arms. I LOVE YOU MOTHER NATURE.