Checked my weight. 115.
Well guess who’s not eating again? Get back to 105.
The one thing they emphasize to you in the hospital and you basically ignore it? They told you “Don’t always ask about school. Start talking about things Jamie likes. Ask her what she’s listening to, ask if there are shows on in the area, ask what she did in drama class instead of math class for once, ask when performance dates are.” And so I haven’t seen you in about three days and when you come home … you ask about math. No questions about choir yesterday, drama either day or musical theatre tonight. Nope. Just “How was tutoring? How was your math test? How’s your English essay? Are you ready for your math test?” Thanks for not bothering me to ask what I’ve been doing in drama. You have absolutely no idea.
You ALWAYS tell me I won’t get through this by myself. That means that you also have to put in an effort to change.
So my mom can’t accept the fact that I’m depressed.
So now she thinks from a sudden lack of appetite that I’m anorexic instead.
I keep trying to tell my mom that I can’t eat, so she keeps trying to force food down my mouth. I keep trying to tell her simply: I cannot eat means I cannot eat which she seems to be mixing up with “I won’t eat” which is different. At least when she told my dad and he sat down with us, he seemed to understand perfectly fine. He was telling my mom “You’re just assuming one thing, though.” and actually sat and listened to me, seemed to understand what I meant by the fact that I can’t eat. I tried telling them that I just can’t do anything anymore, and the last thing I wanted to do was go to school or work where I have to put on a fake persona of being someone super happy.
I’ll talk to you later … maybe when I have shit sorted out
My mom doesn’t understand. Ever.
• She thinks cutting is something you can give up overnight.
• She always compares it to smoking. (NOTE: I’m not undermining smoking addictions, Im just saying that they’re different types of addictions)
• She tells me that Im “just labeling [myself] as someone who self harms”
• She can’t accept that I’m depressed
• She never listens to me (I have proof of this … it’s not a teenager thing, she actually COMPLETELY ignored me on something valuable)
My mom calls me names all the time. She just doesn’t know how to handle it … I wish she would do more research :/
I’m in Greece
I’m supposed to enjoy this. But half way through my trip I just got severely depressed. Now I can’t get up at the alarm, and only get up to make the girls think I’m alright. I haven’t been eating very much, either, and when we’re walking, I’m usually at the back of the group thinking to myself depressing thoughts of suicide and cutting. I think about how the girl I like is straight. I think about going home and just cutting all up and down my arms until the blood in my body is gone.
I almost bought some scissors at a local market to cut with … but I didn’t want to ruin the trip for the others …
